Pictures 30/12/11 and 31/12/11

Oh dear, I'm already behind, even with the difference in time zones! I didn't take any pictures the 31st but I went to late night concert the night before and didn't get home 'till around 4 in the morning. I didn't quite understand what was going on during the concert but the light staging was spectacular so I played around with it. I'll get back on schedule tomorrow (or today for me...).

Macau

Concert lights

And Happy New Year! May your new year be filled with blessings, mistakes, surprises, and prosperity.

Picture 29/12/11

I thought before when I started this mini photo project, I would describe what was going on but I've decided to keep things to one sentence maximum (title, quick caption, that sort of thing). Art can be explained, but if I did I wouldn't be sharing art, I'd simply be calling it my own. 'Art lies in the eyes of the beholder. '


I will post one picture per day and if I have more for that day I'll add it to Google+. The point of this project is to build photography skills and view life from as many perspectives as possible in the moment that it occurs (candid is key). 


I encourage you to publish comments, critiques, thoughts, and questions...anything that pops into your mind. 

I realize I don't like taking [highly-] color[ed] pictures.

Picture 28/12/11

HK Ferry

I'll post more later, but I don't want to break the flow yet before the first date.

Winter To Do's

Hello World!

Me here, regretfully reporting to you as I lounge on my couch. Surprised I'm still alive aren't you? Yes, yes I am still living and breathing. And yes, I know, it's been a while, forgive me, please accept my most humble apologies. Now onward.

So where have I been? School, learning, room, studying, eating, breathing, sleeping. And that's about it. This semester has been exceptionally difficult for me. There were a lot more things I could have done to make it better, but I lack gumption. I feel as if I'm just spewing out excuses to you, honestly, I expect much more of myself, but I hardly found time for myself this semester. I approached things one big step at a time and blundered too many times. I didn't learn from my mistakes either. I continued to make leaps in progress when I knew I should take small definitive steps, but the semester is over and I time to refresh and thoroughly think things through.

I have learned to do lists and agenda books are simply hopeless for me, but stubbornly, I'll make them anyways. Better to write them down then let them float around in my mushed-up brain.


1) Photographs

       This winter break I'm off to my second home, HKSAR. In addition to not blogging, I have hardly picked up my camera. I'm ashamed of it and I'm sure Mr. G10 (that's my camera in case you didn't get that) isn't too happy either. I need practice, it's the only way I'll be able to brush up my "skills." My pictures tend to get blurry or I try to hard, but I love photography, the essence of capturing a fleeting moment. With every blog I post, I'm going to add in at least one picture. I'll ever try to do a picture each day! But baby steps...

2) Organic Chemistry, EMT, and Spanish

       I love chemistry. Yes, ew. Yes, I'm crazy. Yes, I am a nerd. Unfortunately, in balancing all my other work, I haven't been able to focus on it as much as I like. Organic chemistry is quite fascinating. It focuses on the movement of electrons in a [usually] predictable pattern to create new compounds and configurations. So I hope to fill in the missing gaps of what I learned this semester. I only learned a bare minimum, hardly enough to get me through the final exam, and for my love of the subject, I'm ashamed. 

      EMT class is tough. I mean it makes sense because they're in the position to save lives and everything, but man there is a lot to remember. As with most health professions, it's best learned through practice (which without certification, I can't quite do yet) but there's a lot of detailed knowledge that I lack. I don't just want to pass the certification exam, I want to do really well in the field and know my stuff. 

     Alright, so far I'm making my winter break sound like a chore, it won't be! These are just things I want to maintain and clean up. I also have to keep up with my Spanish. This semester I took my very last Spanish grammar class (hopefully until grad school) and I can hold back my [imaginary] tears. It's my goal one day to be fluent in writing and speaking, so I cannot forget everything I learned. I still have to take some Spanish Humanities classes, but it won't be the same. Hopefully I'll spare some time to conjugate and learn new vocab.

3) Read, Read, Read

       The fortunate and unfortunate thing about be a health science major is that I can get by quite easily without reading or writing anything extensive. The sciences have made me fearful of the English subject. Reading puts me to sleep in two seconds fast and writing keeps me up with blank pages for hours on end. I didn't have to write any papers this semester or read anything longer than a few 8x11 pages unless I wanted to. It is quite a shame, but I cannot wait for subways and impatiently waiting for people to finish talking/shopping/whatevering because those are golden times for me to get some reading in and develop my thoughts. If there's anywhere I can read it's busy, public places. Fear-inducing books, I cannot wait to love you again. 

4) Poverty Project

       Last year I presented MDGs to my church and this semester I hardly thought about it this semester. I want my career to surround healthcare and poverty and I hardly made any effort to keep up with worldly events. I know many college students don't have the time, but with poverty and healthcare being such perpetually evolving subjects, I need to catch up and understand what's going on. I'm going to present the topic to my church again so I need to refresh my ideas. Reading about health and the battle against poverty revamps my courage and excitement to go down that path.

5) Zen

      I'm at the end of this list! This one's simple. I want to reflect on my life so far and find times to relax. I haven't had much time to breathe in the life around me and find pleasure in it. Amidst the frenzy of meeting family and friends, I know I need some alone time and just be me. I'll find when doing the things above, but I need to reestablish some inner peace. I've been so angry and irritable this semester, I'm not proud. It's time to change that. 

This was way too long, but hopefully it's alleviated some of your missing me. I've missed talking to you too.

Ciao!

(I just realized it's almost a year since I've started this blog! Wowzers, that's quite beautiful)

Oh those late, late sleepless nights

You know what I absolutely hate and yet absolutely adore? Those moments before falling asleep that for some bizarre reason compels my brain to be brilliant and start thinking. I mean why, oh why, must my brain torture me and begin functioning at the most unnecessary times? Dear thing that occupies (hopefully) most of the empty space in my head, thank you for proving that you work, but this child needs you to sleep so you can function the next day (or should I say in a couple of hours?).


And so I need to blog about it, or do something that will busy myself and make me sleepy. Its. Not. Working. Yet. (Perhaps it's that iced coffee I had after dinner that's keeping me awake...I know now you, Reader, want to bonk me in the head right now - actually, making me unconscious sounds amazing right about not - but that coffee + condensed milk was just begging to be finished and I refuse to believe it has any affect on me)


But this explains why most of my blogs occur at the most absurd hour. I'd like to change this, but old habits die hard.


That idea I had though, is just an activity I'd like to plan with an organization at school. I don't feel like explaining it, but I think it's an amazing idea and it would tons of work to plan. Tons but wonderful. And I'm really excited, I hope to works. The idea started out with a personal, selfish reason, but I believe that it be would be helpful/interesting to tons of other students...so it's not really that selfish. Or perhaps egotistical, self-conscious me is rationalizing things. Psychological can trump my reasons for thinking, but I don't care.


Mmmm, still not sleepy. Well, I can explain why I haven't blogged for about a month and a half (I know, shame, shame, SHAME). And my explanation to you is that I can't explain why (wrap your head around that!). I had some ideas but I just ended up writing long dragged out flubs. "Even a fool who keeps silent is considered wise; when he closes his lips, he is deemed intelligent." (Proverbs 17:28) Actually silence isn't completely wise, there would be a lot more terrible things in the world if we kept silent, but you know I mean that quote lightly, not to the extreme. Quotes should generally be superficially examined. Oy, imagine if every single, possible advice/quote in the world was regarded as definitive boundaries.


I'll stop now before this also turns into another unpublished flub. Just want to take the time again, to thank you, for wasting a couple minutes and reading my word vomit. You're a wonderful, don't ever think otherwise.

Oh hi

So much for posting daily right? I tend to jinx myself like that.

Life has been life, lucky for me, nothing to hate and lots to enjoy. What's been on my mind of late is the final conclusion to the Harry Potter saga. I don't dress-up for the premieres but the story has an undeniable place in my heart. I remember during story time, my second grade teacher would read Harry Potter and the Sorceror's Stone aloud and from then I was hooked. I remember borrowing Year 2 and 3 from the school library and shaking my head when the librarian suggested The Chronicles of Narnia as a similar read (to this day, I still can't accept this fact...I mean honestly?? I know, I know it's a classic but I haven't been captivated). I remember anxiously waiting for my cousins to finish their copy so I could borrow it later. I remember getting my copy of Year 6 at Target, the day it was released, and reading it on the way to whatever day trip my parents wanted to make. I remember my mother finding me still up at 3:00am, vowing to sleep only when I finished learning what happened to Harry, Hermione, and Ron during Year 7, and shooing me to bed.

I realize I sound a tad (just a tad) obsessive about the series but Harry Potter is an important symbol of my childhood and what I grew up with.

In anticipation of the premiere of Part 2 of Harry's final adventure, I brushed up on my knowledge and reread the last book. As a Harry Potter fan, I'm bound to make simple magical references and whole-heartedly defend the world of witchcraft and wizardry, but as I reread the book, I realized the story had great, organic lessons. Lead yet be humble, find a cause and remain loyal to it, ignore false pretenses and rumors, be ready to defend those and what is closest to your heart, learn to turn the other cheek and not seek revenge, don't just be tolerant of other but learn to respect as all they are. I was surprised to find so much reference to the idea of one group claiming superiority over another and the enmity it causes. The stories can taught me a lot. Good will triumph over evil. Love is most powerful thing. Do not fear death. I couldn't help realizing, it's a lot of the things I learn and am to learn from God. Yeah, I still say "whoa" when I reach this point but it's an amazing kind of "whoa." (I also wondered if witches and wizards follow religion. I mean Hogwarts got Christmas and Easter breaks).

And now a key part of my childhood has come to a final close. I can't wrap my mind around it, or believe it. Time really flies...I can't wait to reread the series and learn something new. *Dumbledore wink*

Do not pity the dead, Harry. Pity the living, and, above all, those who live without love.

Hands down, [one of] my favorite quote[s] of the last book. Lucky for me, a friend had pre-screening tickets to see Part 2 and invited me to come. I was thrilled, absolutely thrilled, to see that they kept a lot of lines true to the text. As an aside, going through Dumbledore quotes make me want to weep.

Family or friend [or foe]?

So I'm trying to make blogging a habit this month since I have nothing better to do. I'm hoping to blog daily but forgive me that this one technically did not get published July 10th. Now onward...

Family time is not my thing, specifically those that include my parents. It's not that I don't appreciate them, it's just I don't like doing things with my parents, it gets very stressful for me. Part of it is my stubbornness to just go with what they want to do. I develop an attitude, sarcasm, and impatience. Yup, I demote myself to the classic, rollin'-my-eyes 13-year-old. They can make small talk about whatever is on their minds, and even though I know I should listen and pay attention to everything they say(not just because they're my parents, but because they're people and I can never predict what the future holds), my ignoramus mode kicks in and I go on autopilot. Uh-huhs, yea-sures, and whatever-you-likes are my top responses.

And I'm ashamed to say, this happens most with my parents. Never with any other relative, friends, or any other person. And it's not as if my relationship with my parents are remarkably different, especially from what I imagine to be the "typical" parent-child relationship. I can name things on my end though that make it difficult. Forgive me, the list will be long, and draining.

1. Expectations. I feel like I always need to be on my toes to be the child my parents want me to be, and not who I want to be myself. Most of the complaints I get from my parents are about my attitude. Sometimes I know it's happening, other times I believe it's only a matter of their interpretation, but most times I feel that some times things just happen that way. It's not that I don't want to be a perfect angel all the time, but I'm not a perfect angel, I'm human, and it should be a perfectly rational concept to not-be-in-the-mood and be Little Miss 'Tude. I believe in self-control and that life and perspective is what you make it, but sometimes, the human-side of things just come rushing and there's nothing left but human impulse. And for expectations in general, there are some things that a parent will always expect for a child and the child with never comply with. Period.
2. Yes-man. But of course, expectations of my parents have/had made me a yes-man. I like to believe that I'm an independent woman who makes her own decision (snaps in Z-formation...Uh-huh don't go there brother/sister.) but it's just so damn hard to deal with parental disappointment or even the prospect of it. I remember going through a period in my younger years where I said yes to everything my mother offered to get me - that is the things that she loved that she wanted me to have. I remember the clothes in particular. There was one store that my mother adored when I was younger. The fabrics and accessories were a country vintage, with eclectic, asymmetrical cutting but I hated it. It was no Limited Too and the "cool kids" weren't wearing them, but my mother loved getting me dresses from there and I never had the stomach to say no (Except to drugs and alcohol!! But my parents never offered those to me, I'm becoming tangential....)
          And to this day, I still prefer to please my parents. I only have the guts to ask for something or talk when the "mood is right" (Gosh, what am I on, a date?). It's less troublesome to suck-it-up and do whatever the padres want than talk myself out of it...I'm not verbally eloquent (neither are my parents, but they can think on their feet, so their skills surpass me).
3. Hard to relate. I pride myself in being sympathetic. It's not that I can't put myself in their shoes and justify whatever they do with their parental viewpoint, but I still can't help dramatically flailing my arms to the heavens and scream WHY?? (only imaginary). Of course, I wouldn't be surprised if at times they felt this way about me...
4. Hard-to-read. One of the worst. I can never tell if/when my parents's emotions are directed towards/caused by me or by something else. It's one of the wildest dances and I always have to tip-toe around because the last thing I want is a natural catastrophe.
5. Little/poor communication. The little thing that allows 1-4 to flourish. It's difficult for me to talk to my parents and it probably is for them with me as well. I'm not willing to share any information (because I know I'll somehow get in trouble for it) and they hardly share information with me. I've been honestly truthful sometimes, particularly in saying "We don't communicate" but not much gets done after anything is said. There's a lot of talk but no walk, and the less walk that happens, the less talk to occur in the future. There's also always a lot of explaining to do with my parents which either turns into a disaster where I've said too much and things become misinterpreted or I become too impatient trying to explain that I just clam up.

Phewph. That list was just a kick in the stomach. A shopping list that I know many children have for their parents, but it's still a kick in the stomach, an unfortunate fact. So I'd like to conclude with one interesting comparison. Friends versus family. I've always put my friends in high regard, perhaps too high, but I know that they're a huge part of what keeps me sane. I'm relieved to know that I can effectively communicate with them. Part of it is probably the same generation thing (but I believe this reason to be more bullcrap than it's worth, I mean I've had wonderful conversations with people of all ages). Another part is probably the lack of expectations friends have for each other. We expect ourselves and the other to maintain a moral standard of course, but even if that fails, we know we can talk it out, there's no need to be shy and put up a poker face. I mean, it's so much easier to accept a friend as-is, straight off the shelf either gleaming with beautiful craftsmanship or pocketed with little nicks and soft-ball sized dents. 

But I think the greatest difference between friend and family is that there is no guarantee of forever with a friend, absolutely none whatsoever. It's a take-it-or-leave-it deal. I remember a study saying that the average friendship lasted two years (somewhere along those lines...this fact is from memory, kids). Two measly years. Friendships don't even have to last for a second. I mean in all honesty, there's truly nothing that stops anyone from leaving a friendship except some favors, memories, and companionship - feelings. Unfortunately, it's not impossible to find those things in another person and in reality, a relationship could really just end if a party prefers it to. The only binding you and that friend (and really, any other person that's not blood-related) is that wanting of them to be there for whatever reason. Now I'm sure you're considering me a cruel, cruel person (I should forget about calling this "Here's to looking up"...) and don't get me wrong because I'll be the first to tell you that my friends are my family and that I love them and will love them to the ends to the ends of this earth and that without them I'd be...oh man, you don't even want [me] to imagine that, but the fact is is that blood is the strongest tie one can ever have with another person. That at the end of the day, no matter how much that relative pisses you off, no matter how inoperable (seemingly or not seemingly) that relationship is, you'll always feel a powerful bond that you can never, ever shake off. They will always be there for you on some level, whether it be in-your-face or invisibly. Blood is thicker than water.

And for that I am evermore thankful and in debt to my pain-in-my-rear, can-and-cannot-live-without parents.

Reminisce

This was from my short-lived (and when I say short-lived I mean three months worth of nine entries....yea, not short-lived more like lame) journal.

Someone in an elevator once said to me (As I recall it was more to anyone listening. Journal Me must be different from Current Me.) as he was looking out the glass window side (*ackhem* poor writing *coughcough*) at the bustle of shoppers and lively sales (it was Thanksgiving/Pre-Xmas), "Americans live fast. They do everything fast. They're born fast, they die fast." Really says a lot.




Side note: I looked up the word "reminisce" to check the spelling. Apparently the word refers to a recollection of enjoyable events and memories. Funny, I've been using it for the recollection of all memories, good and bad and sad. I notice myself recalling the sad more often than the happy. What a humanly thing to do.

Distracted, restless, and lying about with "nothing" to do

So it's been a month since I've blogged. Am I ashamed? Of course, but ideas haven't been-a flowing in my head. I was going through one entry a few weeks ago but the rhythm of it has completely drained (and it was turning out to be a long, long, long rant, so I decided to spare your precious time).

Also, I feel distracted.

Not by anything in particular but I feel distracted. Maybe restless. Most of my best friends are gone for the summer, I have a puppy (very sweet and more than a handful) to take care of, and I'm done with my summer semester of physics (an absolute blessing to be done but I'll admit, I miss the structure it added to my schedule and, well, I'm a sucker for learning). I had an enormous list of things I was excited to get to but I can't seem to motivate myself to get going. As of right now though, they feel more like a list of chores than a stress-relievers. You can guess that blogging is on that list...

Perhaps it's the summer blues kicking in. That cursed desire to lay around and do nothing or do anything meaningless. It's my summer vacation so I guess it's justified to stay idle, but even being idle makes my head and heart feel restless. I know I should be doing something, but what?

I really want to drive. Just drive along the longest stretch of road possible (get my kicks on Route 66?). Preferably out of the way of many cars so I can have the peace of mind of being alone. I'd like to go by a vintage motorcycle, or an old-school, worn-in Lincoln Town Car (you know the ones in the movies, where the front seat still seats 3 people, a large steering wheel, and a humongous trunk...the one from "That 70s Show" would be perfect). A pretty little Ducati or Suzuki bike, or a nice silver convertible Audi would be an amazing dream, but I don't need speed as much as I need a vehicle that matches my mood, and I just want an old, worn-down peaceful place to think. I have a feeling I'll need something aged to assist my thinking, especially since I don't want anyone around.

I can't drive without music. I need some acousticky, indie ballads. Bon Iver, The Temper Trap, Adele, Augustana, Imogen Heap, Mumford & Sons, Kina Grannis....long-drawn out melodious beauties. I'll throw in a few top-of-my-lungs sing-a-longs just for a few curveballs to keep me awake if I drive too long. I want to drive on a desert highway. I want the dry, hot and steamy air to hit me as I drive. Driving isn't complete without the windows rolled down and the feel of the wind enveloping your arms and fingers and shoving itself in your face, pushing your hair in every possible direction. I want to drive past stretches and stretches and stretches of sand and rocks and tumbleweed. I want to feel the sun press on my arms. I'll stick to the leather seats, but that'll be okay.

And I'll drive until nightfall. I'll stop at the side of the road and pull out a sleeping bag. If I'm smart enough, I won't have eaten much of the food I brought (if I was even smart enough to prepare for that). And if I'm clever enough, I'll start a fire and boil a can of whatever and make a burnt weenie. Maybe a smore if I'm up for dessert, but I just want to lay near a fire until it dies and stare at the stars. Just stare up and pass the time until I snuggle into a ball and fall asleep. Then the sun will rise and I'll wake up. Maybe I'll keep driving, but I don't have anything else in mind after watching the stars.

Unfortunately reality hits, and I don't have a car. Or money to fill the tank. Or a mother with enough guts to let me do whatever I want. There are too many "buts" tying me down. I hope one day to do this though. Just drive. With no end or beginning in sight. Just the here and now and spectacular or dreary scenery to inhale, all on my own.

Dreams

I had a weird dream last night. Well, last morning to be exact, some time between my bouts of refusal to wake up and greet the attractive and equally unattractive sun. It was more uncomfortable than weird. See, I rarely remember my dreams anymore, which I find unfortunate but it happens. The dreams that I have been able to recall usually aren't that great either, and leave me upset. I don't want to share the details of my dreams here but what made my dream uncomfortable was the familiarity of it, the characters specifically, and the fact the events I dreamed were plausible.

It wasn't a good dream. As I said before, I have trouble moving on. If the period of an event is only a chapter, I have sometimes have difficulty accepting that it cannot become an epic. In other words, all epics may have started merely as short stories or chapters, but not all chapters and short stories will become epics.  My dream reminded me that some things in life are chapters. The characters in my dream looked familiar but were not the same. I was in a safe, familiar place but something felt harsh, calculating, and unkind. Not frightening, but alarming. And what's worse is that when I woke up, I felt that my dream could happen in real life.

Imagine, just imagine, if our dreams really did mean something in our living life. I'm not talking about Inception or some other prophesizing orb, just that what if our dreams were plain and simple a reflection of our lives, metaphorically, actually, physically, spiritually, all the -lys. It would be quite a blessing and a curse. A blessing to know and a curse to know...my, my what a tangled thing to weave. Perhaps this is just one of things where ignorance is bliss and knowing too much is more precarious than necessary.

Torn

It's late (well 1:30 am is actually early...). My eyes are drifting and feeling very sleepy but I haven't blogged in a while and it's time for a spur of the moment (should only take 30 minutes tops right?).

Let's see, yesterday I did a presentation at my church about global poverty and global health with hopes of raising awareness for such causes. In my mind people need to be active about it. It often sounds very impossible to eradicate poverty but in my mind it doesn't mean it's not worth aspiring to attain it. Pessimistically, we may never even make a dent but optimistically, we can at least change the life of one person who could help the life of another and a chain reaction starts and in the end we find out we've actually made that "dent."

But that's just a side note, not really what I wanted to say. I wanted to talk about the word "torn." One issue of approaching global poverty is being torn over where to start first. How do I know where to start? What issues seem most important to me? It's really impossible to choose one or eliminate any. Education, health (epidemics, child health, maternal health), gender equality, environmental sustainability, global partnership including financial and political transparency, or nutrition. Torn? Very much so. It's impossible to decide what needs to be "fixed" first. However the associate priest at my church pointed out it's good to be torn. Good to be torn. Not that it's stressful, daunting, and can stop us from even doing anything, but it is very much good to be torn. It can be motivating, a powerful push to untangle the knot that makes us torn and confused of what our priorities (the real ones versus the quote-unquote ones) are.

And this feeling of being torn extends to everything, every situation, every conflict. On a day to day basis I'm torn about something. I have issues with letting go. I'm torn between the past that I concretely understand and a future where that sameness I'm striving for doesn't exist simply because it can't. It sounds foolish, being torn between staying put and moving on. But things aren't always "fair" and that's okay, it's okay. Where was a going with this....it's "late" and I honestly don't remember now. But it's a relief to be torn and it's a relief to know that things just happen, for what reason I don't always know, or have to know...oh jeez, that's whole blob of shtuff to be torn about. What a strong finish E.Chow...G'night.

Happy [Early] Mother's Day

I know! Two blog posts in one day? Must mean I'm definitely not doing anywork..teehee. But I really wanted to write about this now and since it's a different topic from my post of some minutes ago it deserves a separate entry.

Last night I watched a video by The Jubilee Project, a group headed by three people who make beautiful videos for amazing causes. I think they're very inspiring and everyone should be informed about the causes they stand for. Their latest video is in honor of Mother's Day (which is tomorrow!). There's a rising campaign for universal maternal health (Millenium Development Goal 5). Too many women die each day from complications in pregnancy, of which could have easily been prevented had there been a proper medical facility nearby, reasonable transportation, clean sanitation, and so many other reasons that seem oh-so-basic to us and others living in developed nations. The Jubilee Project (along with many other notable sponsors) created a video in which people were asked what the world would be like without moms. It included some fantastic stories and reminded me how lucky I am to have my mom (and my dad!) in my life. The video even included one of my role models, Paul Farmer, founder of Partners in Health, a fantastic organization dedicated to supplying services to alleviate disease (HIV/AIDs being one of their core focuses) and poverty.

But enough talk from me, just watch the video. And share it with your friends and family!


And learn more about the issues of universal maternal health from Every Mother Counts, a great organization that's part of the movement.

Senseless Thoughts

Ah, my first academic yea in college is ending. I, of course, want to write a reflection within the next week or two, but here's a silly, senseless one to start. Enjoy =]

College Baby: Check! Just need to record some more "firsts"
College Toddler: Agh, jumpstarts in two weeks!
College Child: And life is amazing! (more so than I already thought...or is it "think"?)
College Tween: So excited but I don't even want to think about it...these days won't ever come [to an end], right?
College Teen: Agh, stressful but oh-so-thrilling!!

Where is the adult? Silly goose, no one ever grows up in college...

(Get it? Sí? ^_^)

Things that make me angry...

I hate being angry and I should be studying, but the news has been quite a bully lately. Here's some examples.

As much as if is good news that one of the world's most vicious terrorists is finally gone, I'm not one to celebrate death (in general) and I'm certainly not going to belief the death of one person will change much of anything in the name of terrorism....well, in the name of anything really.

I am absolutely appalled.


And this just really upset me.

Finally, what happened to Japan and Libya and Egypt? Or Haiti? And I'm sure there's many more unheard stories out there, but unfortunately, the happenings of the royal family were more important. The couple has my best wishes, but imagine if that money was spent on something else. Like evolving the world to adapt to this startling news.

My Favorite Kind of Food

I really hope this banana lived up to all it was grown to be. Really, pity if it didn't!

Hmmm...I wish I remembered to set "Vivid" on my camera. Oh shmell!

I have to remember to take more pictures...my camera and I have been separated for far too long!

Bright Awakening

A lovely recount of last night, 4/21....

So tonight there was a power outage on my block, a blackout. I was in the middle of chatting with someone thanks to the glories of internet and telephone lines when it was rudely cut short by the blackout. The room turned pitch black but the bright light from my laptop screen saved me from any shock. Okay, I thought, let me just send a quick Facebook message that there is a power outage. Oh wait, silly me, a power outage means that wireless Internet doesn't work either. I'm definitely Einstein reincarnated. So I take the only optional step - early bedtime. Cool, I should catch up on sleep anyways. Rats I was charging my computer. I'm really particular about charging my computer completely, in one session then unplugging it so the battery doesn't get ruined. Fine, obviously can't help it. Computer is off. Pitch black. So black I couldn't see my hands in front of me. I had absolutely no idea what was going on. I was completely shocked. I felt more scared than I had in a while. Damn, I'm so dependent on electricity. Little Miss Let's-Promote-Environmental-Sustainability At School is so freaking damn dependent on electricity.

I was immediately transported to my youth. I had a night light in my room until maybe around 6th grade. I had to have the bathroom light on in the hotel room, the door could be cracked open, I just needed something that outshone the dark. I thought I outgrew my reliance on light but I was proved now. And now I couldn't see beyond the space right in front of my eyes. I felt panicky. I felt so small, so tiny, so young, as if I was 5 again. I couldn't place where my body was, what my limbs were doing. Thankfully, the blinds of the windows to the left of me weren't closed tonight or else I could've just cried right there. The moon wasn't strong at all but it was enough to make the outside world faintly gray. I look out to see only the houses on my block or immediately next to me without power. I could see lights shining out of the windows of the houses not even a minute's walk away while I could only rely on my cognitive map of my living room. I needed to scrounge around my backpack for my cell phone, my iPod, things that would for at least a few hours be some light to me, a quick source of comfort. I was jealous of those houses. Why do they have power? It's no fair. 

But I was also ashamed. Ashamed because I so fiercely needed to hold small technologies of light, or entertainment, or social media. Ashamed because I took electricity and light for granted, because I take so much for granted. Ashamed because I joined an organization at school to promote environmental sustainability and I can't even survive a night without electricity, because right now I'm sitting on my bed, typing out my feelings into my iPod instead of hitting the sack a little earlier because I "need" to make a blog post after such a long time. Ashamed because I need music to calm myself enough so that I can even consider sleeping. Ashamed because there are people around the world who didn't even have electricity to use freely because their government has a tyranny over what us Occidentals have established as basic necessities, or because people nearby aren't willing to share and dictate and exploit and abuse "their" authoritative power, or simply because they live in poverty (I don't think I have a lot sometimes, just the basics, but to others in the world turning on a faucet and paying only a few cents for water isn't so basic). Or even if the moon overhead was strong enough, or even if they had a fraction of the electricity that I enjoy and abuse, they can't go out at night because the the malaria-ridden mosquitos are looking for their next vulnerable victim: one who didn't hear their buzzing in time, a malnourished person, a child. Millions of children quickly hiding underneath their bed nets as the sun drops and the sky goes from fire red to lilac to navy and finally to black. Or maybe, they don't even have a bed net. 

And then I start thinking about religion and God. On a day to day basis, I'm wondering if I'm Christian enough, what is a "Christianly" action. If God loves me despite my doubts in Him, then I don't understand. I'm grateful, but I know I'm not grateful enough. Since He built everything in my life, He has been too kind and I still wonder why. I know He gives unconditional love, but I doubt, I don't deserve it. I don't pray enough. I try to be "good" but sometimes I ask myself, do I even know what that is? I wonder, if I believed in God more, would I have panicked when power shut off. I did pray that God give me a little strength so I stop freaking out that the power went out. And then I wonder, is this symbolic that my trust in God is weak? Am I filling the darkness with small measly pieces of comfort, even when I know that there id probably a larger, more sustainable comfort available to me? And I asking myself if I'm being melodramatic. Gosh Esther, pull yourself together, this isn't a TV episode, this is life. Because when people can pinpoint a time in their life as their calling to find their life in religion, I'm happy for them, but I wonder how it can be true. I find comfort in going to church, believing that my sins have been repaid; that Someone will be there for me in spite of what I do; that Someone is caring for others in ways they need, ways that I cannot. But I know, I've been spoon-fed this material, it's not a part of my core-being, and I think it's bad but I wonder if that's a spoon-fed thought too. And you know what? How do I even know Christianity is the religion that will "save" me? There are millions of other religions and non-religions out there. I don't want something from doing something, I just want to give (oh wow, that's a want), but it's impossible to not receive. Does this make sense?

Oh gosh, that's why another word for electricity is power, it's certainly got some power over me. I'm exhausted. I need to sleep.

But you know my biggest shame? I know tomorrow, I'm going to forget all this.

Add oil

I know, I know. It has been a shameful amount of time since I've put up a blog post. I'll fill you in the "interesting" parts of the past month sometime soon but for now, something else.

This is just an inspiration "hoo-HA!" that I found from the company Holstee, a small online company dedicated to promoting sustainable products and giving a part of their proceeds to community organizations around the world. Alright, enough with the sales pitch. The point is they have a manifesto that really grabbed me. I'm a sucker for quotes and inspirations (take the merch from quotablecards...agh another sales pitch!), so this really got to me and I especially like it's theme to have passion. Yes, P-A-S-S-I-O-N. It's truly a beautiful thing (I'm still getting around to blogging it. Ack! Gotta pushing back what I want to say for later...there's no "later"!). Okay, time for this frenzy to shut up. Just read it.

I DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT, take any credit whatsoever for this image/creation/art/manifesto.
It was created by Holstee and Rachael.

Oh yes..."Ask the next person you see what their passion is..." Alright, cough it up (please)!

Jinxed

Well it snowed today. Nothing major but for at least half an hour I could barely see a quarter mile ahead because of the snow. Definitely jinxed the sun from coming out because I wrote about how wonderful the weekend was....

Hola Sun, it's so good you've returned

And hello to you! It's been so long since I've written anything and I'm feeling guilty. I've had many topics in mind but none of them have felt strong enough (yet), so next time. 

But the sun! I'm sad my vacation from school is ending but this weekend has been stuffed with long periods of sunshine and smudges of warmth. It feels invigorating, and hopeful. Of course it's screwing up my ability to guess the time (not that it was never screwed up to begin with) and I'm not getting anything accomplished (not that I ever did much of that either...), but the sun feels wonderful. Soon spring will be coming (the birds are chirping madly now, so maybe it's already here) and summer! On a very inane note, I miss my dresses and shorts so very much =]

I'll leave you with a wonderful video about the sun. It's from Kina Grannis, one of my most favorite music artists and a YouTube star. Be sure to check out her other music...ciao!

Count Your Blessings

Lately I've been feeling down. Some things here and there have become mountains I need to climb. I know, I know, don't make a mountain out of a molehill, life is what you make it, but these things weren't molehills to begin with. And as long as I keep walking, as long as I muster up all the strength I know I have, I will pass these mountains and find a much better view. But as much as I know that things will be great, I can't help knowing that things right now are different. Change is good, but as of right now, change hurts.

I have many blessings to count, too many to count. To breathe. To have the luck of living comfortably. To have an education. To have a family. To have the kindest, most supportive friends I ever knew existed. To live in a country that is not painfully oppressive. To have a future, where the only real thing I need to worry about is taxes. To be blessed, with a fiery spirit, mind, and soul. To know that the best things in life, are the simple ones. To have loved and lost. To have obstacles to face, reminding me how much I am capable of. I have so many blessings, I could list them for ages. These blessings keep me going. I have no doubt that the Sun will shine and I will have many more blessings to count, but my heart is broken and I feel a little slow. Things take time to heal, but how long? I know it's not when are things appropriate, right now is appropriate, carpe diem. But when will hardship feel less like baggage, less like a lesson, and more like a passing story to tell? I don't hate hardship, I hate not knowing what to do with it.

All I know is to keep telling myself to count my blessings. Keep doing what I love to do. Keep my passions alive and stay driven. Keep finding more reasons to love and telling all the reasons to hate, "Screw you, I will not!" Keep looking ahead, no matter how much I want to look back. I am not a static character, I am a force to be reckoned with.

March 1 - I have an affinity for the Spanish language. I don't understand it very well but I'm in love with the passions and emotions it exudes in the most simplest of phrases. Of course, it's also a romantic language and it can pull of the "tackiest" romantic lines with the straightest face. Anyways, I was listening to the song "Difícil" by Juanes. It reminded me of this blog.

Wake Up Call

I woke up and saw this...jealous? It's so nice to wake up to a window!

Not the best picture, but you get my gist

A Bit O' Love

I came across this video a while ago and this guy's (Jaeson) mission is so wonderful to say the least. My understanding is that he's taping a series of videos under the theme 365 Days of Love. I haven't seen the other videos yet (which I plan to do) but what Jaeson has done in this video is simply amazing. I love (haha, what an appropriate word to describe this!) the idea and I'm thinking of trying it sometime.

Here's Jaeson's synopsis of what this video is about:

In this 365 Days of LOVE Episode, I was inspired by local church, Newsong, and their ministry Laundry Love, in which they go and pay for people's laundry and talk with them. I picked up some linens and dirty towels and headed over to a local coin laundromat that I always pass by on my way to work. I tossed my laundry into a washer and started talking to those that were also waiting for their laundry to finish. I had a blast!

At first people were surprised that I wanted to pay for their laundry or even talk, but they started to warm up! I met Mel, a sweet lady that moved from the Philippines when she was young; she shared her life's story with me as we sorted her loads of laundry. As she explained hardships she had gone through, I was struck by how much love she had given to others and how moved she was that someone was willing to listen to her for a couple minutes. 

So anyone want to join me? =]

Impact

I'm always surprised in a relationship. Any relationship really - parents, friends, family, acquaintances. When someone makes an effort to connect with me or tells me they miss me, love me, need me around, I'm always thoroughly surprised. How in the world could I make an impact on someone? ME. Measly, ol' ME. I mean, I've done nothing!

In my English class last semester, our professor had us do creative writing on anything our hearts desired (it  was one of my favorite classes so far, the professor was brilliant and we were allowed to be whoever we were). One classmate wrote a very dark piece about death and how when she dies, she would want to be remembered. The professor said it was something that the general human race wanted when they died, to be remembered. As much as I would like to be remembered when I die, on what planet do I deserve to be remembered? And even more, how in the world do I have the right to prefer to be remembered by a certain characteristic or memory? I don't know, I just feel that's crazy talk, imagining how someone, or anyone even should remember  me?

And not to say I'm modest and not conceited. I'm very conceited about many things. I'm just always thrown off when someone says something to me that shows that I've made some impact on them. Whenever a friend out of the blue makes contact with me, says they've been thinking about me, anything of the sort, I'm just very surprised. I don't quite know what to say other than "Thank you" and gush. Trying to leave an impact on the world and its living things so that I may be remembered when I die is simply too big of a goal. Not to say I don't want to change the world, oh that I'll do, but getting recognition for it makes me antsy. I just want to live and only hope good things will come of it.

Oh jeez, I realize how narcissistic this blog entry may sound, but I truly mean every word of it. I just have non-stop thank yous, and sorrys, and hopefullys to say. But that's for another rambling blog entry. Back to my date with homework....

(And thank you taking the time to read this mess! You're much too kind, much too wonderful.)

Chinese or American?

I was born in Texas and raised in the Northeast. I'm a product of Fourth of Julys, American freedom, democracy, a fine but lax education system, and individualism. But my face would tell you otherwise.

There's a question that always makes me shifty and uncomfortable. Where are you from? I'll answer this in one of two ways. Answer One: Oh, I'm from Texas. or Oh, I live in Connecticut. or Me? I'm an American. Or Answer Two: I was born in Texas but my parents are from Hong Kong. Wait, what? Why am I telling people where my parents came from? The first answer is logical and answers the question! I know, I agree, but whenever that question is asked, I can feel, in the bottom of my gut that the askers are expecting a different answer. It always feels as if my almond-shaped eyes and my dark black hair is not a sign of being American. After all, it's been a little more than 200 years, and it still feels as if being white is the holy grail of the American Dream.

But then I don't feel quite Chinese either.

I've visited Hong Kong many times and I love it there. The culture, being with family, the convenience of city life, the hustle and bustle, how the city never sleeps, and the food, oh the food. But every time I meet my parents' friends for the first time, there'll be a few bumps down the road. First, they'll speak to me in English. Oh, she understands Cantonese and speaks some too? Great! Then, they'll notice my chopstick skills if we're out for food. Most people, even Chinese, don't know how to use chopsticks. Good for you! As proud as I am to hear those comments, as many times as I've heard them, they still sting. I just don't know what race I am, what race I belong to.

Even my ability to speak and write, represents how lost and unattached I feel to both in countries. Even though most of the reason is that I've become shy speaking in class or to people I don't know, I blame my stumbling on growing up with parents who knew English in theory but not in practice. And in Hong Kong my brain and mouth can't cooperate on the phonetics and syllables. I try. I want to learn more Cantonese and expand my English vocabulary and learn all the languages this world has to offer, but I panic when I try something new.

Perhaps I'm making a much bigger deal out of this than I need to, it's not really important you might say. They're labels that inherently have nothing to do with character and all to do with genes, appearance, and health. That's it. Just biological matter. But it's hard to give up wondering if my classmates notice that 99% of the class is of European descent. Or if the woman who noticed the enormous luggage I brought home and asked if I was selling stuff, was imagining the hawkers on Canal Street. Or if the person next to me is asking what I eat for dinner because they want to know what I eat for dinner or they wanted to know what Chinese people eat for dinner. I can't help it. Being a part of two different cultures makes me highly aware of the differences between them, and even more highly aware (both rationally and irrationally) of how others may perceive me. I've convinced myself it doesn't matter, that I need to control my race-conscious thoughts. They're being genuinely kind. They don't notice the race of me (or John or Jane). You're just being sensitive. But I can't help wondering if any of my interactions with people or the interactions I see of others have any motivation of race.

Don't get me wrong though. I love being American and I love being Chinese. It's one of the greatest gifts my parents have given me. It that makes me who I am. I'm able to live the glory of both cultures. I'm hard-working and value academics (very Chinese) but I luckily, never had to face the ball-and-chain relationship between me and my education (Thank you, be-yourself-education-should-be-public-and-free America). I live in democracy while there's a chance (I believe), that China will shadow over Hong Kong like Big Brother. There's so many things I have living in two worlds. It has taught me more values, more options, more viewpoints than I could ever imagine having in one culture alone. I guess, it's all a balance I'm hoping to achieve.

Effortless

The other day I saw a book with the tagline "The Effortless Way To Discovering Your Life Purpose." I know one's not supposed to judge a book by it's cover and I don't know anything about the book other than that it's about realizing your passions, but if the path of life is supposed to be effortless, then dammit, I quit!

Peace

Peace is a simple idea. Not a lot of experience or literacy is needed to understand it, or know what it is. And yet it is so complicated that people go their whole lives searching for it, fighting for it. Even more, bystanders contemplate if they should support the pursuit for peace. Why?

This is what the search for peace looks like. Even peace, comes at a price.
It's worth it, I'm sure, no, I know. 

Smile

Have you smiled yet today?

Here's to looking up

Hello, how are you? Funny, you're reading my blog. I honestly don't expect people to read the words I write. I know I tend to rant or try to write like a phenomenal writer so thank you for putting up with my first few sentences. And if you keep reading, thank you again. I'm starting this blog because I have lots of thoughts I'd like to write down and release them out into the world instead of bottling them in a notebook that I'll stash away in my room. I also want to develop some writing skills, my finished products always seem juvenile. To be honest, I'm afraid of what the world can do with my words (if anything at all...chances are this will only be another blog that exists) but I think it's time to to throw away some inhibitions. So any thoughts you have of me, spit it out. I want to know what you think(and only you, not what you imagine I or others want you to think). One more thing, I want to say thank you for each time you read my blog. I take it as a compliment (whether or not to you mean it to be) that you've spent the time to even glance at it, I am truly and sincerely grateful to no end. Now away with the formalities....

Looking up means a lot of things to me. It means being positive and learning to stay that way, even when the road gets rough. I'm a huge fan of sliver linings, a hopeless believer that they exist. To me challenges are just an opportunity to test and show off my potential, revealing how much is really possible. Without a challenge, how will I grow and learn and be a dynamic individual? Pain as well has a silver lining. Without it, how will I know what a sunny day feels like? How laughing is a gift? Or simply, how much I can withstand? 

Looking up also means taking full advantage of the view around me. Story lines often have a character falling to their demise because of something falling from above, so why doesn't anyone ever look up? Or behind, left, right, and down? There's so much to see and do and taste! A moment is too short for anything! A view can change in an instant and above all, it is unique. There is something to embrace and inhale from each mental and physical view. I try my best to live this way because 1) it's the moment I am living, I can't remove myself from living and 2) living feels so much more worthwhile this way, it can even give gloom some light. 


That's what my blog is all about: different views. Obviously I'll be posting my own but please please PLEASE agree and/or disagree, I'd love to hear what you think! I like nothing more than to learn to understand the many stories of one subject because we all have our own opinions to offer (which is another wonderful gift!).


So here's to looking up. May you and I look up and down, left and right more often. And may you and I learn from each view and embrace the powers it brings. 

Looking up on my way to class....I adore photography