Impact

I'm always surprised in a relationship. Any relationship really - parents, friends, family, acquaintances. When someone makes an effort to connect with me or tells me they miss me, love me, need me around, I'm always thoroughly surprised. How in the world could I make an impact on someone? ME. Measly, ol' ME. I mean, I've done nothing!

In my English class last semester, our professor had us do creative writing on anything our hearts desired (it  was one of my favorite classes so far, the professor was brilliant and we were allowed to be whoever we were). One classmate wrote a very dark piece about death and how when she dies, she would want to be remembered. The professor said it was something that the general human race wanted when they died, to be remembered. As much as I would like to be remembered when I die, on what planet do I deserve to be remembered? And even more, how in the world do I have the right to prefer to be remembered by a certain characteristic or memory? I don't know, I just feel that's crazy talk, imagining how someone, or anyone even should remember  me?

And not to say I'm modest and not conceited. I'm very conceited about many things. I'm just always thrown off when someone says something to me that shows that I've made some impact on them. Whenever a friend out of the blue makes contact with me, says they've been thinking about me, anything of the sort, I'm just very surprised. I don't quite know what to say other than "Thank you" and gush. Trying to leave an impact on the world and its living things so that I may be remembered when I die is simply too big of a goal. Not to say I don't want to change the world, oh that I'll do, but getting recognition for it makes me antsy. I just want to live and only hope good things will come of it.

Oh jeez, I realize how narcissistic this blog entry may sound, but I truly mean every word of it. I just have non-stop thank yous, and sorrys, and hopefullys to say. But that's for another rambling blog entry. Back to my date with homework....

(And thank you taking the time to read this mess! You're much too kind, much too wonderful.)