Chinese or American?

I was born in Texas and raised in the Northeast. I'm a product of Fourth of Julys, American freedom, democracy, a fine but lax education system, and individualism. But my face would tell you otherwise.

There's a question that always makes me shifty and uncomfortable. Where are you from? I'll answer this in one of two ways. Answer One: Oh, I'm from Texas. or Oh, I live in Connecticut. or Me? I'm an American. Or Answer Two: I was born in Texas but my parents are from Hong Kong. Wait, what? Why am I telling people where my parents came from? The first answer is logical and answers the question! I know, I agree, but whenever that question is asked, I can feel, in the bottom of my gut that the askers are expecting a different answer. It always feels as if my almond-shaped eyes and my dark black hair is not a sign of being American. After all, it's been a little more than 200 years, and it still feels as if being white is the holy grail of the American Dream.

But then I don't feel quite Chinese either.

I've visited Hong Kong many times and I love it there. The culture, being with family, the convenience of city life, the hustle and bustle, how the city never sleeps, and the food, oh the food. But every time I meet my parents' friends for the first time, there'll be a few bumps down the road. First, they'll speak to me in English. Oh, she understands Cantonese and speaks some too? Great! Then, they'll notice my chopstick skills if we're out for food. Most people, even Chinese, don't know how to use chopsticks. Good for you! As proud as I am to hear those comments, as many times as I've heard them, they still sting. I just don't know what race I am, what race I belong to.

Even my ability to speak and write, represents how lost and unattached I feel to both in countries. Even though most of the reason is that I've become shy speaking in class or to people I don't know, I blame my stumbling on growing up with parents who knew English in theory but not in practice. And in Hong Kong my brain and mouth can't cooperate on the phonetics and syllables. I try. I want to learn more Cantonese and expand my English vocabulary and learn all the languages this world has to offer, but I panic when I try something new.

Perhaps I'm making a much bigger deal out of this than I need to, it's not really important you might say. They're labels that inherently have nothing to do with character and all to do with genes, appearance, and health. That's it. Just biological matter. But it's hard to give up wondering if my classmates notice that 99% of the class is of European descent. Or if the woman who noticed the enormous luggage I brought home and asked if I was selling stuff, was imagining the hawkers on Canal Street. Or if the person next to me is asking what I eat for dinner because they want to know what I eat for dinner or they wanted to know what Chinese people eat for dinner. I can't help it. Being a part of two different cultures makes me highly aware of the differences between them, and even more highly aware (both rationally and irrationally) of how others may perceive me. I've convinced myself it doesn't matter, that I need to control my race-conscious thoughts. They're being genuinely kind. They don't notice the race of me (or John or Jane). You're just being sensitive. But I can't help wondering if any of my interactions with people or the interactions I see of others have any motivation of race.

Don't get me wrong though. I love being American and I love being Chinese. It's one of the greatest gifts my parents have given me. It that makes me who I am. I'm able to live the glory of both cultures. I'm hard-working and value academics (very Chinese) but I luckily, never had to face the ball-and-chain relationship between me and my education (Thank you, be-yourself-education-should-be-public-and-free America). I live in democracy while there's a chance (I believe), that China will shadow over Hong Kong like Big Brother. There's so many things I have living in two worlds. It has taught me more values, more options, more viewpoints than I could ever imagine having in one culture alone. I guess, it's all a balance I'm hoping to achieve.