Bright Awakening

A lovely recount of last night, 4/21....

So tonight there was a power outage on my block, a blackout. I was in the middle of chatting with someone thanks to the glories of internet and telephone lines when it was rudely cut short by the blackout. The room turned pitch black but the bright light from my laptop screen saved me from any shock. Okay, I thought, let me just send a quick Facebook message that there is a power outage. Oh wait, silly me, a power outage means that wireless Internet doesn't work either. I'm definitely Einstein reincarnated. So I take the only optional step - early bedtime. Cool, I should catch up on sleep anyways. Rats I was charging my computer. I'm really particular about charging my computer completely, in one session then unplugging it so the battery doesn't get ruined. Fine, obviously can't help it. Computer is off. Pitch black. So black I couldn't see my hands in front of me. I had absolutely no idea what was going on. I was completely shocked. I felt more scared than I had in a while. Damn, I'm so dependent on electricity. Little Miss Let's-Promote-Environmental-Sustainability At School is so freaking damn dependent on electricity.

I was immediately transported to my youth. I had a night light in my room until maybe around 6th grade. I had to have the bathroom light on in the hotel room, the door could be cracked open, I just needed something that outshone the dark. I thought I outgrew my reliance on light but I was proved now. And now I couldn't see beyond the space right in front of my eyes. I felt panicky. I felt so small, so tiny, so young, as if I was 5 again. I couldn't place where my body was, what my limbs were doing. Thankfully, the blinds of the windows to the left of me weren't closed tonight or else I could've just cried right there. The moon wasn't strong at all but it was enough to make the outside world faintly gray. I look out to see only the houses on my block or immediately next to me without power. I could see lights shining out of the windows of the houses not even a minute's walk away while I could only rely on my cognitive map of my living room. I needed to scrounge around my backpack for my cell phone, my iPod, things that would for at least a few hours be some light to me, a quick source of comfort. I was jealous of those houses. Why do they have power? It's no fair. 

But I was also ashamed. Ashamed because I so fiercely needed to hold small technologies of light, or entertainment, or social media. Ashamed because I took electricity and light for granted, because I take so much for granted. Ashamed because I joined an organization at school to promote environmental sustainability and I can't even survive a night without electricity, because right now I'm sitting on my bed, typing out my feelings into my iPod instead of hitting the sack a little earlier because I "need" to make a blog post after such a long time. Ashamed because I need music to calm myself enough so that I can even consider sleeping. Ashamed because there are people around the world who didn't even have electricity to use freely because their government has a tyranny over what us Occidentals have established as basic necessities, or because people nearby aren't willing to share and dictate and exploit and abuse "their" authoritative power, or simply because they live in poverty (I don't think I have a lot sometimes, just the basics, but to others in the world turning on a faucet and paying only a few cents for water isn't so basic). Or even if the moon overhead was strong enough, or even if they had a fraction of the electricity that I enjoy and abuse, they can't go out at night because the the malaria-ridden mosquitos are looking for their next vulnerable victim: one who didn't hear their buzzing in time, a malnourished person, a child. Millions of children quickly hiding underneath their bed nets as the sun drops and the sky goes from fire red to lilac to navy and finally to black. Or maybe, they don't even have a bed net. 

And then I start thinking about religion and God. On a day to day basis, I'm wondering if I'm Christian enough, what is a "Christianly" action. If God loves me despite my doubts in Him, then I don't understand. I'm grateful, but I know I'm not grateful enough. Since He built everything in my life, He has been too kind and I still wonder why. I know He gives unconditional love, but I doubt, I don't deserve it. I don't pray enough. I try to be "good" but sometimes I ask myself, do I even know what that is? I wonder, if I believed in God more, would I have panicked when power shut off. I did pray that God give me a little strength so I stop freaking out that the power went out. And then I wonder, is this symbolic that my trust in God is weak? Am I filling the darkness with small measly pieces of comfort, even when I know that there id probably a larger, more sustainable comfort available to me? And I asking myself if I'm being melodramatic. Gosh Esther, pull yourself together, this isn't a TV episode, this is life. Because when people can pinpoint a time in their life as their calling to find their life in religion, I'm happy for them, but I wonder how it can be true. I find comfort in going to church, believing that my sins have been repaid; that Someone will be there for me in spite of what I do; that Someone is caring for others in ways they need, ways that I cannot. But I know, I've been spoon-fed this material, it's not a part of my core-being, and I think it's bad but I wonder if that's a spoon-fed thought too. And you know what? How do I even know Christianity is the religion that will "save" me? There are millions of other religions and non-religions out there. I don't want something from doing something, I just want to give (oh wow, that's a want), but it's impossible to not receive. Does this make sense?

Oh gosh, that's why another word for electricity is power, it's certainly got some power over me. I'm exhausted. I need to sleep.

But you know my biggest shame? I know tomorrow, I'm going to forget all this.