Family or friend [or foe]?

So I'm trying to make blogging a habit this month since I have nothing better to do. I'm hoping to blog daily but forgive me that this one technically did not get published July 10th. Now onward...

Family time is not my thing, specifically those that include my parents. It's not that I don't appreciate them, it's just I don't like doing things with my parents, it gets very stressful for me. Part of it is my stubbornness to just go with what they want to do. I develop an attitude, sarcasm, and impatience. Yup, I demote myself to the classic, rollin'-my-eyes 13-year-old. They can make small talk about whatever is on their minds, and even though I know I should listen and pay attention to everything they say(not just because they're my parents, but because they're people and I can never predict what the future holds), my ignoramus mode kicks in and I go on autopilot. Uh-huhs, yea-sures, and whatever-you-likes are my top responses.

And I'm ashamed to say, this happens most with my parents. Never with any other relative, friends, or any other person. And it's not as if my relationship with my parents are remarkably different, especially from what I imagine to be the "typical" parent-child relationship. I can name things on my end though that make it difficult. Forgive me, the list will be long, and draining.

1. Expectations. I feel like I always need to be on my toes to be the child my parents want me to be, and not who I want to be myself. Most of the complaints I get from my parents are about my attitude. Sometimes I know it's happening, other times I believe it's only a matter of their interpretation, but most times I feel that some times things just happen that way. It's not that I don't want to be a perfect angel all the time, but I'm not a perfect angel, I'm human, and it should be a perfectly rational concept to not-be-in-the-mood and be Little Miss 'Tude. I believe in self-control and that life and perspective is what you make it, but sometimes, the human-side of things just come rushing and there's nothing left but human impulse. And for expectations in general, there are some things that a parent will always expect for a child and the child with never comply with. Period.
2. Yes-man. But of course, expectations of my parents have/had made me a yes-man. I like to believe that I'm an independent woman who makes her own decision (snaps in Z-formation...Uh-huh don't go there brother/sister.) but it's just so damn hard to deal with parental disappointment or even the prospect of it. I remember going through a period in my younger years where I said yes to everything my mother offered to get me - that is the things that she loved that she wanted me to have. I remember the clothes in particular. There was one store that my mother adored when I was younger. The fabrics and accessories were a country vintage, with eclectic, asymmetrical cutting but I hated it. It was no Limited Too and the "cool kids" weren't wearing them, but my mother loved getting me dresses from there and I never had the stomach to say no (Except to drugs and alcohol!! But my parents never offered those to me, I'm becoming tangential....)
          And to this day, I still prefer to please my parents. I only have the guts to ask for something or talk when the "mood is right" (Gosh, what am I on, a date?). It's less troublesome to suck-it-up and do whatever the padres want than talk myself out of it...I'm not verbally eloquent (neither are my parents, but they can think on their feet, so their skills surpass me).
3. Hard to relate. I pride myself in being sympathetic. It's not that I can't put myself in their shoes and justify whatever they do with their parental viewpoint, but I still can't help dramatically flailing my arms to the heavens and scream WHY?? (only imaginary). Of course, I wouldn't be surprised if at times they felt this way about me...
4. Hard-to-read. One of the worst. I can never tell if/when my parents's emotions are directed towards/caused by me or by something else. It's one of the wildest dances and I always have to tip-toe around because the last thing I want is a natural catastrophe.
5. Little/poor communication. The little thing that allows 1-4 to flourish. It's difficult for me to talk to my parents and it probably is for them with me as well. I'm not willing to share any information (because I know I'll somehow get in trouble for it) and they hardly share information with me. I've been honestly truthful sometimes, particularly in saying "We don't communicate" but not much gets done after anything is said. There's a lot of talk but no walk, and the less walk that happens, the less talk to occur in the future. There's also always a lot of explaining to do with my parents which either turns into a disaster where I've said too much and things become misinterpreted or I become too impatient trying to explain that I just clam up.

Phewph. That list was just a kick in the stomach. A shopping list that I know many children have for their parents, but it's still a kick in the stomach, an unfortunate fact. So I'd like to conclude with one interesting comparison. Friends versus family. I've always put my friends in high regard, perhaps too high, but I know that they're a huge part of what keeps me sane. I'm relieved to know that I can effectively communicate with them. Part of it is probably the same generation thing (but I believe this reason to be more bullcrap than it's worth, I mean I've had wonderful conversations with people of all ages). Another part is probably the lack of expectations friends have for each other. We expect ourselves and the other to maintain a moral standard of course, but even if that fails, we know we can talk it out, there's no need to be shy and put up a poker face. I mean, it's so much easier to accept a friend as-is, straight off the shelf either gleaming with beautiful craftsmanship or pocketed with little nicks and soft-ball sized dents. 

But I think the greatest difference between friend and family is that there is no guarantee of forever with a friend, absolutely none whatsoever. It's a take-it-or-leave-it deal. I remember a study saying that the average friendship lasted two years (somewhere along those lines...this fact is from memory, kids). Two measly years. Friendships don't even have to last for a second. I mean in all honesty, there's truly nothing that stops anyone from leaving a friendship except some favors, memories, and companionship - feelings. Unfortunately, it's not impossible to find those things in another person and in reality, a relationship could really just end if a party prefers it to. The only binding you and that friend (and really, any other person that's not blood-related) is that wanting of them to be there for whatever reason. Now I'm sure you're considering me a cruel, cruel person (I should forget about calling this "Here's to looking up"...) and don't get me wrong because I'll be the first to tell you that my friends are my family and that I love them and will love them to the ends to the ends of this earth and that without them I'd be...oh man, you don't even want [me] to imagine that, but the fact is is that blood is the strongest tie one can ever have with another person. That at the end of the day, no matter how much that relative pisses you off, no matter how inoperable (seemingly or not seemingly) that relationship is, you'll always feel a powerful bond that you can never, ever shake off. They will always be there for you on some level, whether it be in-your-face or invisibly. Blood is thicker than water.

And for that I am evermore thankful and in debt to my pain-in-my-rear, can-and-cannot-live-without parents.