Torn

It's late (well 1:30 am is actually early...). My eyes are drifting and feeling very sleepy but I haven't blogged in a while and it's time for a spur of the moment (should only take 30 minutes tops right?).

Let's see, yesterday I did a presentation at my church about global poverty and global health with hopes of raising awareness for such causes. In my mind people need to be active about it. It often sounds very impossible to eradicate poverty but in my mind it doesn't mean it's not worth aspiring to attain it. Pessimistically, we may never even make a dent but optimistically, we can at least change the life of one person who could help the life of another and a chain reaction starts and in the end we find out we've actually made that "dent."

But that's just a side note, not really what I wanted to say. I wanted to talk about the word "torn." One issue of approaching global poverty is being torn over where to start first. How do I know where to start? What issues seem most important to me? It's really impossible to choose one or eliminate any. Education, health (epidemics, child health, maternal health), gender equality, environmental sustainability, global partnership including financial and political transparency, or nutrition. Torn? Very much so. It's impossible to decide what needs to be "fixed" first. However the associate priest at my church pointed out it's good to be torn. Good to be torn. Not that it's stressful, daunting, and can stop us from even doing anything, but it is very much good to be torn. It can be motivating, a powerful push to untangle the knot that makes us torn and confused of what our priorities (the real ones versus the quote-unquote ones) are.

And this feeling of being torn extends to everything, every situation, every conflict. On a day to day basis I'm torn about something. I have issues with letting go. I'm torn between the past that I concretely understand and a future where that sameness I'm striving for doesn't exist simply because it can't. It sounds foolish, being torn between staying put and moving on. But things aren't always "fair" and that's okay, it's okay. Where was a going with this....it's "late" and I honestly don't remember now. But it's a relief to be torn and it's a relief to know that things just happen, for what reason I don't always know, or have to know...oh jeez, that's whole blob of shtuff to be torn about. What a strong finish E.Chow...G'night.

Happy [Early] Mother's Day

I know! Two blog posts in one day? Must mean I'm definitely not doing anywork..teehee. But I really wanted to write about this now and since it's a different topic from my post of some minutes ago it deserves a separate entry.

Last night I watched a video by The Jubilee Project, a group headed by three people who make beautiful videos for amazing causes. I think they're very inspiring and everyone should be informed about the causes they stand for. Their latest video is in honor of Mother's Day (which is tomorrow!). There's a rising campaign for universal maternal health (Millenium Development Goal 5). Too many women die each day from complications in pregnancy, of which could have easily been prevented had there been a proper medical facility nearby, reasonable transportation, clean sanitation, and so many other reasons that seem oh-so-basic to us and others living in developed nations. The Jubilee Project (along with many other notable sponsors) created a video in which people were asked what the world would be like without moms. It included some fantastic stories and reminded me how lucky I am to have my mom (and my dad!) in my life. The video even included one of my role models, Paul Farmer, founder of Partners in Health, a fantastic organization dedicated to supplying services to alleviate disease (HIV/AIDs being one of their core focuses) and poverty.

But enough talk from me, just watch the video. And share it with your friends and family!


And learn more about the issues of universal maternal health from Every Mother Counts, a great organization that's part of the movement.

Senseless Thoughts

Ah, my first academic yea in college is ending. I, of course, want to write a reflection within the next week or two, but here's a silly, senseless one to start. Enjoy =]

College Baby: Check! Just need to record some more "firsts"
College Toddler: Agh, jumpstarts in two weeks!
College Child: And life is amazing! (more so than I already thought...or is it "think"?)
College Tween: So excited but I don't even want to think about it...these days won't ever come [to an end], right?
College Teen: Agh, stressful but oh-so-thrilling!!

Where is the adult? Silly goose, no one ever grows up in college...

(Get it? Sí? ^_^)

Things that make me angry...

I hate being angry and I should be studying, but the news has been quite a bully lately. Here's some examples.

As much as if is good news that one of the world's most vicious terrorists is finally gone, I'm not one to celebrate death (in general) and I'm certainly not going to belief the death of one person will change much of anything in the name of terrorism....well, in the name of anything really.

I am absolutely appalled.


And this just really upset me.

Finally, what happened to Japan and Libya and Egypt? Or Haiti? And I'm sure there's many more unheard stories out there, but unfortunately, the happenings of the royal family were more important. The couple has my best wishes, but imagine if that money was spent on something else. Like evolving the world to adapt to this startling news.

My Favorite Kind of Food

I really hope this banana lived up to all it was grown to be. Really, pity if it didn't!

Hmmm...I wish I remembered to set "Vivid" on my camera. Oh shmell!

I have to remember to take more pictures...my camera and I have been separated for far too long!

Bright Awakening

A lovely recount of last night, 4/21....

So tonight there was a power outage on my block, a blackout. I was in the middle of chatting with someone thanks to the glories of internet and telephone lines when it was rudely cut short by the blackout. The room turned pitch black but the bright light from my laptop screen saved me from any shock. Okay, I thought, let me just send a quick Facebook message that there is a power outage. Oh wait, silly me, a power outage means that wireless Internet doesn't work either. I'm definitely Einstein reincarnated. So I take the only optional step - early bedtime. Cool, I should catch up on sleep anyways. Rats I was charging my computer. I'm really particular about charging my computer completely, in one session then unplugging it so the battery doesn't get ruined. Fine, obviously can't help it. Computer is off. Pitch black. So black I couldn't see my hands in front of me. I had absolutely no idea what was going on. I was completely shocked. I felt more scared than I had in a while. Damn, I'm so dependent on electricity. Little Miss Let's-Promote-Environmental-Sustainability At School is so freaking damn dependent on electricity.

I was immediately transported to my youth. I had a night light in my room until maybe around 6th grade. I had to have the bathroom light on in the hotel room, the door could be cracked open, I just needed something that outshone the dark. I thought I outgrew my reliance on light but I was proved now. And now I couldn't see beyond the space right in front of my eyes. I felt panicky. I felt so small, so tiny, so young, as if I was 5 again. I couldn't place where my body was, what my limbs were doing. Thankfully, the blinds of the windows to the left of me weren't closed tonight or else I could've just cried right there. The moon wasn't strong at all but it was enough to make the outside world faintly gray. I look out to see only the houses on my block or immediately next to me without power. I could see lights shining out of the windows of the houses not even a minute's walk away while I could only rely on my cognitive map of my living room. I needed to scrounge around my backpack for my cell phone, my iPod, things that would for at least a few hours be some light to me, a quick source of comfort. I was jealous of those houses. Why do they have power? It's no fair. 

But I was also ashamed. Ashamed because I so fiercely needed to hold small technologies of light, or entertainment, or social media. Ashamed because I took electricity and light for granted, because I take so much for granted. Ashamed because I joined an organization at school to promote environmental sustainability and I can't even survive a night without electricity, because right now I'm sitting on my bed, typing out my feelings into my iPod instead of hitting the sack a little earlier because I "need" to make a blog post after such a long time. Ashamed because I need music to calm myself enough so that I can even consider sleeping. Ashamed because there are people around the world who didn't even have electricity to use freely because their government has a tyranny over what us Occidentals have established as basic necessities, or because people nearby aren't willing to share and dictate and exploit and abuse "their" authoritative power, or simply because they live in poverty (I don't think I have a lot sometimes, just the basics, but to others in the world turning on a faucet and paying only a few cents for water isn't so basic). Or even if the moon overhead was strong enough, or even if they had a fraction of the electricity that I enjoy and abuse, they can't go out at night because the the malaria-ridden mosquitos are looking for their next vulnerable victim: one who didn't hear their buzzing in time, a malnourished person, a child. Millions of children quickly hiding underneath their bed nets as the sun drops and the sky goes from fire red to lilac to navy and finally to black. Or maybe, they don't even have a bed net. 

And then I start thinking about religion and God. On a day to day basis, I'm wondering if I'm Christian enough, what is a "Christianly" action. If God loves me despite my doubts in Him, then I don't understand. I'm grateful, but I know I'm not grateful enough. Since He built everything in my life, He has been too kind and I still wonder why. I know He gives unconditional love, but I doubt, I don't deserve it. I don't pray enough. I try to be "good" but sometimes I ask myself, do I even know what that is? I wonder, if I believed in God more, would I have panicked when power shut off. I did pray that God give me a little strength so I stop freaking out that the power went out. And then I wonder, is this symbolic that my trust in God is weak? Am I filling the darkness with small measly pieces of comfort, even when I know that there id probably a larger, more sustainable comfort available to me? And I asking myself if I'm being melodramatic. Gosh Esther, pull yourself together, this isn't a TV episode, this is life. Because when people can pinpoint a time in their life as their calling to find their life in religion, I'm happy for them, but I wonder how it can be true. I find comfort in going to church, believing that my sins have been repaid; that Someone will be there for me in spite of what I do; that Someone is caring for others in ways they need, ways that I cannot. But I know, I've been spoon-fed this material, it's not a part of my core-being, and I think it's bad but I wonder if that's a spoon-fed thought too. And you know what? How do I even know Christianity is the religion that will "save" me? There are millions of other religions and non-religions out there. I don't want something from doing something, I just want to give (oh wow, that's a want), but it's impossible to not receive. Does this make sense?

Oh gosh, that's why another word for electricity is power, it's certainly got some power over me. I'm exhausted. I need to sleep.

But you know my biggest shame? I know tomorrow, I'm going to forget all this.

Add oil

I know, I know. It has been a shameful amount of time since I've put up a blog post. I'll fill you in the "interesting" parts of the past month sometime soon but for now, something else.

This is just an inspiration "hoo-HA!" that I found from the company Holstee, a small online company dedicated to promoting sustainable products and giving a part of their proceeds to community organizations around the world. Alright, enough with the sales pitch. The point is they have a manifesto that really grabbed me. I'm a sucker for quotes and inspirations (take the merch from quotablecards...agh another sales pitch!), so this really got to me and I especially like it's theme to have passion. Yes, P-A-S-S-I-O-N. It's truly a beautiful thing (I'm still getting around to blogging it. Ack! Gotta pushing back what I want to say for later...there's no "later"!). Okay, time for this frenzy to shut up. Just read it.

I DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT, take any credit whatsoever for this image/creation/art/manifesto.
It was created by Holstee and Rachael.

Oh yes..."Ask the next person you see what their passion is..." Alright, cough it up (please)!