My promise to my future child

Dear Child,

I hope that whatever age you or I will be, and whatever phase or fad you or I will take part in, that we will still communicate openly and regularly. I pray that I will have the brains and balls to sit patiently with you and have a conversation. My promise to you is that whatever is on your mind, from the most innane, or current-generation, pop-culture reference possible to the more serious questions or comments that you will have, that I will listen. And if it is ever something that nears or lands in the spectrum of sad or unfortunate topics, I promise I will never be angry at you. I'm not a robot so I may be upset, surprised, or show whatever possible excited emotion, but I will never react in a way that will make you question your existence or identity. However, if that ever happens, I hope you'll call me out.

I won't ever be your best friend, maybe not even a friend, but I'll be a mother whose only and greatest gift I can give to you is to show empathy and be supportive. I will push you because I know that you can reach farther than you can imagine but I will never limit you with my thoughts. I won't ever be your crutch, but your cheerleader. And of course, as your mother, I will tell you what to do, because I can but I will take the time to step in your shoes before passing judgment, because you, my dear, have thoughts and beliefs. 

At the end of the day, you, I, and everyone else in the world is imperfect, but I hope you will never feel a void in your life, your soul, your being that you believe is my job to fill.

Love,

Your Future Mother

Favorite Things Four

• My dog is a bit smelly and has quite a musty smell. At the same time this smell feels like home to me. Oh dear. 
• Tyler Knott Gregson's bits of poems, words, and photography. Google him. 
• This list. That song from The Sound of Music really knew what they were talking about. 
• Bon Iver Pandora around midnight with the cold night air filling up the space around me. 

Favorite Things Three

• Being busy (with important or unimportant things). 
• Moving on. 

Favorite Things Two

• Cool night air
• Cooking...I'm a foodie. 
• Camping
• Clouds
• All things that start with "c" (just kidding...maybe)
• Hiking....I've decided I'm a hiking junkie
• Solitude
• Photography
• The city. I love the hustle and bustle, crowds of people, plethora of cuisines, so much to see - culture, music, art, ideas. I'm a city girl. I could never give up the "dirtiness", social tremors, 
• Nature. I love the view, the unpredictability, the adventure, and the freedom. Nature is completely and utterly quiet. the sound of the wind. Campfires [, s'mores, and roasted Starburst], oh the burn of campfires. And a sky that will take your breath away at any time, any time.
• City and nature? Yea, I'm all over the place.
• Wacky weather. Thunderstorms are enveloping, like Mother Nature's heartbeat. Lightning is mesmerizing, purely mesmerizing. I could be a storm chaser.
• Music. It moves me and fills up any emptiness. 

Favorite Things One

• Rain in the middle night and my windows are open so I can hear it. Especially pouring rain.
• "I'll Follow You Into the Dark" by Death Cab for Cutie. Particularly between the dark hours of 11pm-4am

I'm that awkward friend who just randomly shows up after some time.

Hi. I did miss you quite a lot. But I didn't know what to say or what to write. I get self-conscious of the internet world. Sharing details of my life and thoughts....at times I think Oh, who will see what I write? and other times I think Everyone will see what I write, I better keep to myself. I also think It's been so long, I should just scrap this. But then I feel uneasy because I need a place to spill my guts and although I spill my guts verbally, I do need to write. I'm not a literary, I hardly read or write, but when I talk I imagine the words scrolling across the little screen in my head like a teleprompter. Writing the words I think helps me slow down, and I've been moving too fast lately.

So baby steps. I'll inch my way back, slowly.

My friend said I should start a food blog. Ehh. Too much work to do as much as I like. However, I would like to post the results of a successful dinner. It was my first "dinner party" tonight. The first time I really ever cooked a well-balanced dinner for more than one person**. Usually my parents cook so I've never made an entree. More often just desserts and baked goods or snacks, never a full meal with proteins, veggies, and dessert. It took a while but I'm really proud of myself and it was quite delicious. More deets below....

The Menu

This is my birthday present to one of my dearest friends. She really likes tacos so she requested it. I threw in a chocolate flourless cake as a birthday cake ending. My knife skills are really lacking so the prep work and putting it together took a really long time but if you're an experienced cook it would take much less time. In hindsight, I should have used a food processor, lots of chopping!

• Carne asada marinated chicken - cilantro, garlic, onion, soy sauce, Worcestershire sauce, salt, lime + lime juice, cumin, paprika, chile powder in the marinade plus chicken thigh meat (I believe dark meats are more flavorful, juicier, and harder to screw up than chicken breast. It's up to you. If you're worried about fat, just trim it! That's what I did and I didn't lose any flavor). Next time I do this, I'm going to marinate the chicken overnight but a few hours did just fine. After I cooked the chicken, I added julienned sweet mini bell peppers and chopped onions to pick up the chicken flavors in the pan and to bulk up the dish
• Guacamole - avocados, cilantro, lime juice, red onions, salt
• Tomato salsa - tomatoes, cilantro, lime juice, red onions, salt, chile powder
• Mango salsa - mangoes*, cucumbers, red onions, chile powder, salt, lime juice...I adapted this from a recipe on foodnetwork.com
• Sour cream
• Sliced avocados - you can never have too many avocadoes!
• Shredded cheese
• Tortillas

I took the pictures with my phone so images are quite shoddy. I was a bit too lazy to grab my camera near me and I couldn't grab the camera before we started digging in. We were starved!

Lime juice, cilantro and onions (white or red...I used white with cooking and marinades and red with the salsas) are a common ingredient. Although recipes usually have amounts and such I've learned that the best rule in general is to follow your taste buds and what you like. For all of this I used my general knowledge and compared recipes online. I'm Asian and this was the first time I've ever cooked "Mexican" food. The only thing I would like to add is jalapeños to the chicken, tomato salsa, and mango salsa because I love spices and a hot kick but my friend doesn't tolerate heat well so I excluded it. Whether or not you make it spicy is up to you. I don't think you'd miss out on the flavor either way.

*I used a Mexican mango which was the first time I ever tried it. I'm not a big fan, it's too fibrous and mushy for my tastes. I'm used to Thai mangoes, I think either chauk anan or nam taan jin, maybe even simsean but I don't remember them being so orange-y. Anyways I'm used to Thai mangoes from Asian supermarkets. I would recommend using them when they're just ripe a day or two so they are firm enough in the salsa)

We cut this up before I could take a picture again. It's topped with a chocolate ganache which adds a really beautiful and shiny finishing touch to the cake's appearance.

• Flourless Chocolate Cake - search wholefoodsmarket.com ... it's gluten-free! I had homemade flourless chocolate cake once before and the crumbs of the cake I made was more crumbly than the one I had before. I think because most other recipes use heavy cream, which I imagine adds a silky smooth texture to the cake and makes it a lot more satisfying. But this one was like a really good brownie. Definitely one of the simplest cake recipes I've ever seen.
• Quartered strawberries - plus a bit of brown sugar to draw out a little liquid, enhance the strawberries' natural sweetness, and make a light syrup...the strawberries add a beautiful refreshing touch to chocolate-intense cake

Bon appétit!

**Correction 6/3/12 - Actually I've cooked dinner for another person before but it was just a pizza, hardly well-balanced but still delicious!

Lesson Learned

I am selfish. I do good things for others because I should and that makes me feel good (the doing good for others and doing what I should). And then I learn how my actions mean so much more to whomever is on the receiving end. It makes me feel greatly, greatly humiliated. I need to stay grounded and open my eyes.  I need to see the world around me, it's so easy to miss out on so much.

Lesson learned: Pride is such an easy emotion to take in. 

Noms

I like food. No LOVE food. If I could live as long as I want to live and had the fortune (both kinds) to do so I would still become a healthcare professional but also go to culinary school and become a chef. This past semester I've learned to "torture" myself with cooking videos and food videos. Videos of foodies and chefs talking about some homemade deliciousness from some restaurant that will have to wait until this girl earns a steady income. Food and sleep occupy the highest spot on my list of priorities and reasons to spend money. Sure, I'm a girl, I like clothes, and I like fashion but I'm too thrifty for that stuff. Besides, a "fashionista" works with what she's got.


Food on the other hand, oh food. You never get the same thing twice. I'm not picky, I'll eat whatever and I'll eat it all. A friend once told me that life is too short to not try a new food, if you don't like it you have reason to never eat it again, but how will you know until you've tried?


I found this list online from another, more-seasoned (haha, no pun intended) blogger. He made a list called "Omnivore's Hundred", a list of a hundred foods that he felt was so crucial for any foodie to experience. Obviously, this list isn't inclusive and is taken only from one man's point of view, but I like lists, and I like food. Bon appetit!

*I've possibly had it? - Sometimes, I'm not quite specific on what food I've eaten. Take carp for example, I've eaten so many kinds of fish, so it's quite possible I've eaten it but don't know.

1. Venison
2. Nettle tea
3. Huevos rancheros
4. Steak tartare - I had carpaccio....so close!
5. Crocodile
6. Black pudding
7. Cheese fondue
8. Carp*
9. Borscht
10. Baba ghanoush
11. Calamari
12. Pho
13. PB&J sandwich
14. Aloo gobi
15. Hot dog from a street cart - really?
16. Epoisses
17. Black truffle
18. Fruit wine made from something other than grapes
19. Steamed pork buns
20. Pistachio ice cream
21. Heirloom tomatoes
22. Fresh wild berries
23. Foie gras - I had the Chinese version
24. Rice and beans - I've had rice and I've had beans, but it's probably not what this guy is talking about
25. Brawn, or head cheese
26. Raw Scotch Bonnet pepper
27. Dulce de leche*
28. Oysters - yuck!
29. Baklava
30. Bagna cauda
31. Wasabi peas
32. Clam chowder in a sourdough bowl
33. Salted lassi - I've had sweetened
34. Sauerkraut
35. Root beer float
36. Cognac with a fat cigar - never would I ever
37. Clotted cream tea
38. Vodka jelly/Jell-O
39. Gumbo
40. Oxtail
41. Curried goat
42. Whole insects
43. Phaal
44. Goat’s milk
45. Malt whisky from a bottle worth £60/$120 or more
46. Fugu - I really really want to!!
47. Chicken tikka masala
48. Eel
49. Krispy Kreme original glazed doughnut
50. Sea urchin - I always thought I never liked it, even after I tried it. Then I went to a fancy shmancy Japanese restaurant that had the freshest I've ever tasted and realize...it's good.
51. Prickly pear
52. Umeboshi*
53. Abalone
54. Paneer
55. McDonald’s Big Mac Meal*
56. Spaetzle
57. Dirty gin martini - I've had a classic martini and I could hardly ingest 5 little sips of it. It tastes like rubbing alcohol.
58. Beer above 8% ABV
59. Poutine - I want to! Someone take me to Canada!
60. Carob chips - Most interesting thing I've heard of today.
61. S’mores
62. Sweetbreads - I WANT TO. But if you don't know what they are, I wouldn't look them up...
63. Kaolin - And this is the craziest this I've heard all day. WHAT? I'm hoping the author is joking. 
64. Currywurst
65. Durian
66. Frogs’ legs - Lovely childhood story behind this. 
67. Beignets, churros, elephant ears or funnel cake - Thank you Disneyland CA and every carnival/festival in America. Oh and today I learned that fried dough is also call elephant ears, I'm going to say that next time I buy it. 
68. Haggis
69. Fried plantain - But plantain chips are my Achilles tendon.
70. Chitterlings, or andouillette
71. Gazpacho - It was made by a classmate for Spanish class. I don't think it was authentic and I didn't quite like it. ¡Quiero ir a España!
72. Caviar and blini - I would love to. Unfortunately masago, tobiko, and ikura don't count as caviar. 
73. Louche absinthe - Ew no. 
74. Gjetost, or brunost
75. Roadkill - Hell no.
76. Baijiu
77. Hostess Fruit Pie - WTF?
78. Snail - Delish!
79. Lapsang souchong*
80. Bellini
81. Tom yum
82. Eggs Benedict
83. Pocky - Not bad for a Western people.
84. Tasting menu at a three-Michelin-star restaurant - Um no money, no food honey.
85. Kobe beef*
86. Hare
87. Goulash
88. Flowers - Fried, stuffed zuchini flowers at the best, most authetic, most fancy Italian restaurant I've ever been to.
89. Horse - I have friends who would eat me before I ate it, so this is one of the things that I could never touch.
90. Criollo chocolate - Does 90% count?
91. Spam*
92. Soft shell crab - Can't. Live. Without.
93. Rose harissa
94. Catfish
95. Mole poblano
96. Bagel and lox
97. Lobster Thermidor
98. Polenta
99. Jamaican Blue Mountain coffee
100. Snake


Haha...this foodie hasn't eaten much. But I looked at a Chinese one and I did much better on that one.

Today I Saw

• the flyest little Filipino boys playing in the subway...they're growing up to be studly little heartbreakers
• the cutest and oldest Asian couple walking around an extremely busy shopping center asking for directions. They were dressed as if they were going on a date or to meet family for a fancy dinner
• lots and lots of puppies, many of them were rescued

I learned that a lot of shit happens but it's easy to find reasons to be hopeful for humanity and keep faith.

Greetings

It's been a while since I've written so I thought I'd check in and see what's up while I wait for my phone to charge. I've been up to aimless nothings. other than reading I don't have many purposeful things to do. It's not that wish to be back at school either but vacationing in Hong Kong is like going to another home. Perhaps I could go exploring by myself but then I always have plans to go to in a few hours, I never get the whole day to myself. Well, I think I'll go downstairs and dilly dally around a shopping center. Hopefully I'll have more interesting things to tell you another day. Ciao!

New Blog

My little photo project has been going well but choosing which shots to feature has been a toughy. I also don't want to stuff this blog with pictures then not write or randomly start writing. A friend showed me that Blogger had a new template that I feel is very suitable for photos and kindly allows the user to choose the layout they prefer.

Alright enough talk, you can figure it out for yourself.
http://elementsandpieces.blogspot.com/

Pictures 1/1/12 and 2/1/12

Oops, skipped a day in posting these pictures. Since it's a new year I thought I'd throw in a bonus picture. Nothing special, fairly standard/safe subjects. Hopefully these next few days will be more inspiring.

Toasting in a new year

A city skyline is always home to me

Is it night time?

Pictures 30/12/11 and 31/12/11

Oh dear, I'm already behind, even with the difference in time zones! I didn't take any pictures the 31st but I went to late night concert the night before and didn't get home 'till around 4 in the morning. I didn't quite understand what was going on during the concert but the light staging was spectacular so I played around with it. I'll get back on schedule tomorrow (or today for me...).

Macau

Concert lights

And Happy New Year! May your new year be filled with blessings, mistakes, surprises, and prosperity.

Picture 29/12/11

I thought before when I started this mini photo project, I would describe what was going on but I've decided to keep things to one sentence maximum (title, quick caption, that sort of thing). Art can be explained, but if I did I wouldn't be sharing art, I'd simply be calling it my own. 'Art lies in the eyes of the beholder. '


I will post one picture per day and if I have more for that day I'll add it to Google+. The point of this project is to build photography skills and view life from as many perspectives as possible in the moment that it occurs (candid is key). 


I encourage you to publish comments, critiques, thoughts, and questions...anything that pops into your mind. 

I realize I don't like taking [highly-] color[ed] pictures.

Picture 28/12/11

HK Ferry

I'll post more later, but I don't want to break the flow yet before the first date.

Winter To Do's

Hello World!

Me here, regretfully reporting to you as I lounge on my couch. Surprised I'm still alive aren't you? Yes, yes I am still living and breathing. And yes, I know, it's been a while, forgive me, please accept my most humble apologies. Now onward.

So where have I been? School, learning, room, studying, eating, breathing, sleeping. And that's about it. This semester has been exceptionally difficult for me. There were a lot more things I could have done to make it better, but I lack gumption. I feel as if I'm just spewing out excuses to you, honestly, I expect much more of myself, but I hardly found time for myself this semester. I approached things one big step at a time and blundered too many times. I didn't learn from my mistakes either. I continued to make leaps in progress when I knew I should take small definitive steps, but the semester is over and I time to refresh and thoroughly think things through.

I have learned to do lists and agenda books are simply hopeless for me, but stubbornly, I'll make them anyways. Better to write them down then let them float around in my mushed-up brain.


1) Photographs

       This winter break I'm off to my second home, HKSAR. In addition to not blogging, I have hardly picked up my camera. I'm ashamed of it and I'm sure Mr. G10 (that's my camera in case you didn't get that) isn't too happy either. I need practice, it's the only way I'll be able to brush up my "skills." My pictures tend to get blurry or I try to hard, but I love photography, the essence of capturing a fleeting moment. With every blog I post, I'm going to add in at least one picture. I'll ever try to do a picture each day! But baby steps...

2) Organic Chemistry, EMT, and Spanish

       I love chemistry. Yes, ew. Yes, I'm crazy. Yes, I am a nerd. Unfortunately, in balancing all my other work, I haven't been able to focus on it as much as I like. Organic chemistry is quite fascinating. It focuses on the movement of electrons in a [usually] predictable pattern to create new compounds and configurations. So I hope to fill in the missing gaps of what I learned this semester. I only learned a bare minimum, hardly enough to get me through the final exam, and for my love of the subject, I'm ashamed. 

      EMT class is tough. I mean it makes sense because they're in the position to save lives and everything, but man there is a lot to remember. As with most health professions, it's best learned through practice (which without certification, I can't quite do yet) but there's a lot of detailed knowledge that I lack. I don't just want to pass the certification exam, I want to do really well in the field and know my stuff. 

     Alright, so far I'm making my winter break sound like a chore, it won't be! These are just things I want to maintain and clean up. I also have to keep up with my Spanish. This semester I took my very last Spanish grammar class (hopefully until grad school) and I can hold back my [imaginary] tears. It's my goal one day to be fluent in writing and speaking, so I cannot forget everything I learned. I still have to take some Spanish Humanities classes, but it won't be the same. Hopefully I'll spare some time to conjugate and learn new vocab.

3) Read, Read, Read

       The fortunate and unfortunate thing about be a health science major is that I can get by quite easily without reading or writing anything extensive. The sciences have made me fearful of the English subject. Reading puts me to sleep in two seconds fast and writing keeps me up with blank pages for hours on end. I didn't have to write any papers this semester or read anything longer than a few 8x11 pages unless I wanted to. It is quite a shame, but I cannot wait for subways and impatiently waiting for people to finish talking/shopping/whatevering because those are golden times for me to get some reading in and develop my thoughts. If there's anywhere I can read it's busy, public places. Fear-inducing books, I cannot wait to love you again. 

4) Poverty Project

       Last year I presented MDGs to my church and this semester I hardly thought about it this semester. I want my career to surround healthcare and poverty and I hardly made any effort to keep up with worldly events. I know many college students don't have the time, but with poverty and healthcare being such perpetually evolving subjects, I need to catch up and understand what's going on. I'm going to present the topic to my church again so I need to refresh my ideas. Reading about health and the battle against poverty revamps my courage and excitement to go down that path.

5) Zen

      I'm at the end of this list! This one's simple. I want to reflect on my life so far and find times to relax. I haven't had much time to breathe in the life around me and find pleasure in it. Amidst the frenzy of meeting family and friends, I know I need some alone time and just be me. I'll find when doing the things above, but I need to reestablish some inner peace. I've been so angry and irritable this semester, I'm not proud. It's time to change that. 

This was way too long, but hopefully it's alleviated some of your missing me. I've missed talking to you too.

Ciao!

(I just realized it's almost a year since I've started this blog! Wowzers, that's quite beautiful)

Oh those late, late sleepless nights

You know what I absolutely hate and yet absolutely adore? Those moments before falling asleep that for some bizarre reason compels my brain to be brilliant and start thinking. I mean why, oh why, must my brain torture me and begin functioning at the most unnecessary times? Dear thing that occupies (hopefully) most of the empty space in my head, thank you for proving that you work, but this child needs you to sleep so you can function the next day (or should I say in a couple of hours?).


And so I need to blog about it, or do something that will busy myself and make me sleepy. Its. Not. Working. Yet. (Perhaps it's that iced coffee I had after dinner that's keeping me awake...I know now you, Reader, want to bonk me in the head right now - actually, making me unconscious sounds amazing right about not - but that coffee + condensed milk was just begging to be finished and I refuse to believe it has any affect on me)


But this explains why most of my blogs occur at the most absurd hour. I'd like to change this, but old habits die hard.


That idea I had though, is just an activity I'd like to plan with an organization at school. I don't feel like explaining it, but I think it's an amazing idea and it would tons of work to plan. Tons but wonderful. And I'm really excited, I hope to works. The idea started out with a personal, selfish reason, but I believe that it be would be helpful/interesting to tons of other students...so it's not really that selfish. Or perhaps egotistical, self-conscious me is rationalizing things. Psychological can trump my reasons for thinking, but I don't care.


Mmmm, still not sleepy. Well, I can explain why I haven't blogged for about a month and a half (I know, shame, shame, SHAME). And my explanation to you is that I can't explain why (wrap your head around that!). I had some ideas but I just ended up writing long dragged out flubs. "Even a fool who keeps silent is considered wise; when he closes his lips, he is deemed intelligent." (Proverbs 17:28) Actually silence isn't completely wise, there would be a lot more terrible things in the world if we kept silent, but you know I mean that quote lightly, not to the extreme. Quotes should generally be superficially examined. Oy, imagine if every single, possible advice/quote in the world was regarded as definitive boundaries.


I'll stop now before this also turns into another unpublished flub. Just want to take the time again, to thank you, for wasting a couple minutes and reading my word vomit. You're a wonderful, don't ever think otherwise.

Oh hi

So much for posting daily right? I tend to jinx myself like that.

Life has been life, lucky for me, nothing to hate and lots to enjoy. What's been on my mind of late is the final conclusion to the Harry Potter saga. I don't dress-up for the premieres but the story has an undeniable place in my heart. I remember during story time, my second grade teacher would read Harry Potter and the Sorceror's Stone aloud and from then I was hooked. I remember borrowing Year 2 and 3 from the school library and shaking my head when the librarian suggested The Chronicles of Narnia as a similar read (to this day, I still can't accept this fact...I mean honestly?? I know, I know it's a classic but I haven't been captivated). I remember anxiously waiting for my cousins to finish their copy so I could borrow it later. I remember getting my copy of Year 6 at Target, the day it was released, and reading it on the way to whatever day trip my parents wanted to make. I remember my mother finding me still up at 3:00am, vowing to sleep only when I finished learning what happened to Harry, Hermione, and Ron during Year 7, and shooing me to bed.

I realize I sound a tad (just a tad) obsessive about the series but Harry Potter is an important symbol of my childhood and what I grew up with.

In anticipation of the premiere of Part 2 of Harry's final adventure, I brushed up on my knowledge and reread the last book. As a Harry Potter fan, I'm bound to make simple magical references and whole-heartedly defend the world of witchcraft and wizardry, but as I reread the book, I realized the story had great, organic lessons. Lead yet be humble, find a cause and remain loyal to it, ignore false pretenses and rumors, be ready to defend those and what is closest to your heart, learn to turn the other cheek and not seek revenge, don't just be tolerant of other but learn to respect as all they are. I was surprised to find so much reference to the idea of one group claiming superiority over another and the enmity it causes. The stories can taught me a lot. Good will triumph over evil. Love is most powerful thing. Do not fear death. I couldn't help realizing, it's a lot of the things I learn and am to learn from God. Yeah, I still say "whoa" when I reach this point but it's an amazing kind of "whoa." (I also wondered if witches and wizards follow religion. I mean Hogwarts got Christmas and Easter breaks).

And now a key part of my childhood has come to a final close. I can't wrap my mind around it, or believe it. Time really flies...I can't wait to reread the series and learn something new. *Dumbledore wink*

Do not pity the dead, Harry. Pity the living, and, above all, those who live without love.

Hands down, [one of] my favorite quote[s] of the last book. Lucky for me, a friend had pre-screening tickets to see Part 2 and invited me to come. I was thrilled, absolutely thrilled, to see that they kept a lot of lines true to the text. As an aside, going through Dumbledore quotes make me want to weep.

Family or friend [or foe]?

So I'm trying to make blogging a habit this month since I have nothing better to do. I'm hoping to blog daily but forgive me that this one technically did not get published July 10th. Now onward...

Family time is not my thing, specifically those that include my parents. It's not that I don't appreciate them, it's just I don't like doing things with my parents, it gets very stressful for me. Part of it is my stubbornness to just go with what they want to do. I develop an attitude, sarcasm, and impatience. Yup, I demote myself to the classic, rollin'-my-eyes 13-year-old. They can make small talk about whatever is on their minds, and even though I know I should listen and pay attention to everything they say(not just because they're my parents, but because they're people and I can never predict what the future holds), my ignoramus mode kicks in and I go on autopilot. Uh-huhs, yea-sures, and whatever-you-likes are my top responses.

And I'm ashamed to say, this happens most with my parents. Never with any other relative, friends, or any other person. And it's not as if my relationship with my parents are remarkably different, especially from what I imagine to be the "typical" parent-child relationship. I can name things on my end though that make it difficult. Forgive me, the list will be long, and draining.

1. Expectations. I feel like I always need to be on my toes to be the child my parents want me to be, and not who I want to be myself. Most of the complaints I get from my parents are about my attitude. Sometimes I know it's happening, other times I believe it's only a matter of their interpretation, but most times I feel that some times things just happen that way. It's not that I don't want to be a perfect angel all the time, but I'm not a perfect angel, I'm human, and it should be a perfectly rational concept to not-be-in-the-mood and be Little Miss 'Tude. I believe in self-control and that life and perspective is what you make it, but sometimes, the human-side of things just come rushing and there's nothing left but human impulse. And for expectations in general, there are some things that a parent will always expect for a child and the child with never comply with. Period.
2. Yes-man. But of course, expectations of my parents have/had made me a yes-man. I like to believe that I'm an independent woman who makes her own decision (snaps in Z-formation...Uh-huh don't go there brother/sister.) but it's just so damn hard to deal with parental disappointment or even the prospect of it. I remember going through a period in my younger years where I said yes to everything my mother offered to get me - that is the things that she loved that she wanted me to have. I remember the clothes in particular. There was one store that my mother adored when I was younger. The fabrics and accessories were a country vintage, with eclectic, asymmetrical cutting but I hated it. It was no Limited Too and the "cool kids" weren't wearing them, but my mother loved getting me dresses from there and I never had the stomach to say no (Except to drugs and alcohol!! But my parents never offered those to me, I'm becoming tangential....)
          And to this day, I still prefer to please my parents. I only have the guts to ask for something or talk when the "mood is right" (Gosh, what am I on, a date?). It's less troublesome to suck-it-up and do whatever the padres want than talk myself out of it...I'm not verbally eloquent (neither are my parents, but they can think on their feet, so their skills surpass me).
3. Hard to relate. I pride myself in being sympathetic. It's not that I can't put myself in their shoes and justify whatever they do with their parental viewpoint, but I still can't help dramatically flailing my arms to the heavens and scream WHY?? (only imaginary). Of course, I wouldn't be surprised if at times they felt this way about me...
4. Hard-to-read. One of the worst. I can never tell if/when my parents's emotions are directed towards/caused by me or by something else. It's one of the wildest dances and I always have to tip-toe around because the last thing I want is a natural catastrophe.
5. Little/poor communication. The little thing that allows 1-4 to flourish. It's difficult for me to talk to my parents and it probably is for them with me as well. I'm not willing to share any information (because I know I'll somehow get in trouble for it) and they hardly share information with me. I've been honestly truthful sometimes, particularly in saying "We don't communicate" but not much gets done after anything is said. There's a lot of talk but no walk, and the less walk that happens, the less talk to occur in the future. There's also always a lot of explaining to do with my parents which either turns into a disaster where I've said too much and things become misinterpreted or I become too impatient trying to explain that I just clam up.

Phewph. That list was just a kick in the stomach. A shopping list that I know many children have for their parents, but it's still a kick in the stomach, an unfortunate fact. So I'd like to conclude with one interesting comparison. Friends versus family. I've always put my friends in high regard, perhaps too high, but I know that they're a huge part of what keeps me sane. I'm relieved to know that I can effectively communicate with them. Part of it is probably the same generation thing (but I believe this reason to be more bullcrap than it's worth, I mean I've had wonderful conversations with people of all ages). Another part is probably the lack of expectations friends have for each other. We expect ourselves and the other to maintain a moral standard of course, but even if that fails, we know we can talk it out, there's no need to be shy and put up a poker face. I mean, it's so much easier to accept a friend as-is, straight off the shelf either gleaming with beautiful craftsmanship or pocketed with little nicks and soft-ball sized dents. 

But I think the greatest difference between friend and family is that there is no guarantee of forever with a friend, absolutely none whatsoever. It's a take-it-or-leave-it deal. I remember a study saying that the average friendship lasted two years (somewhere along those lines...this fact is from memory, kids). Two measly years. Friendships don't even have to last for a second. I mean in all honesty, there's truly nothing that stops anyone from leaving a friendship except some favors, memories, and companionship - feelings. Unfortunately, it's not impossible to find those things in another person and in reality, a relationship could really just end if a party prefers it to. The only binding you and that friend (and really, any other person that's not blood-related) is that wanting of them to be there for whatever reason. Now I'm sure you're considering me a cruel, cruel person (I should forget about calling this "Here's to looking up"...) and don't get me wrong because I'll be the first to tell you that my friends are my family and that I love them and will love them to the ends to the ends of this earth and that without them I'd be...oh man, you don't even want [me] to imagine that, but the fact is is that blood is the strongest tie one can ever have with another person. That at the end of the day, no matter how much that relative pisses you off, no matter how inoperable (seemingly or not seemingly) that relationship is, you'll always feel a powerful bond that you can never, ever shake off. They will always be there for you on some level, whether it be in-your-face or invisibly. Blood is thicker than water.

And for that I am evermore thankful and in debt to my pain-in-my-rear, can-and-cannot-live-without parents.

Reminisce

This was from my short-lived (and when I say short-lived I mean three months worth of nine entries....yea, not short-lived more like lame) journal.

Someone in an elevator once said to me (As I recall it was more to anyone listening. Journal Me must be different from Current Me.) as he was looking out the glass window side (*ackhem* poor writing *coughcough*) at the bustle of shoppers and lively sales (it was Thanksgiving/Pre-Xmas), "Americans live fast. They do everything fast. They're born fast, they die fast." Really says a lot.




Side note: I looked up the word "reminisce" to check the spelling. Apparently the word refers to a recollection of enjoyable events and memories. Funny, I've been using it for the recollection of all memories, good and bad and sad. I notice myself recalling the sad more often than the happy. What a humanly thing to do.